Ain't that America?

Well today I was going to write about a poster at work but this takes precedent. Some low life, ass stain, douche nozzle stole fifty cd's, a Myrtle Beach souvenir and a bottle of water out of my car. I don't know when, I don't how, but they did. Lousy piece of shit. Let's break it down by item. CD's. 2 cd cases and a few new cd's less that a week old. The big ticket items in my book. Some of these cd's were rare singles or shit I made or more importantly, were made for me in college. Weak. The next was a Myrtle Beach "Hooters" girl souvenir I had in the car for a buddy. Delightfully Tacky, Yet Whoever Did it is a cum dumpster. Lastly a bottle of water. Not a huge loss mind you, but who the fuck steals a bottle of water? Are they thinking, "Shit, someone might catch me robbing this car and I'll have to run my ass off, better stay hydrated"?
Possible culprits.
1. A Drunken Hipster. After getting plowed on PBR (because it's fashionable, not because it's cheap which is why I drink it), stumbles upon my car, notices the door is unlocked (it's never unlocked btw) scopes some vintage Beck and says "fuck it".
2. Myself. In my heyday I was known to purloin a brick of cheese or 2 (sorry), but I don't think I would steal from myself. That hasn't stopped me from looking around the house.
3. A Gremlin. Some novice Mogwai owner accidentally feeds his pet after midnight, it becomes a gremlin and in the pursuit of mayhem steals my cd's and take the water to multiply.
I'm no detective, so that's the best I've got. Let me know if you stole my shit and if you give it back I will only kick you in the nuts.