I'll cry if I want to...

It's 1am. I've officially been 29 for an hour. It doesn't feel much different from any other day, other than it being the designated date specifically assigned to take stock of one's life. How much responsibility does one place on themselves and leave the rest for the fates to decide? Are the places we are in our lives up to us or predestined? Do we gather points for the good things we do and get penalized for the bad? Is it all chance? Are these questions even relevant? Who's to say? We officially no one, so it might as well be me. I think we make choices along our path that lead us one way or the other, but when we come to an impasse most of the time we continue to keep on going, rather than turn around and get back on track. What to do, what to do. Am I depressed or just depressing? Are you, dear reader, getting ready to dial that last #1, as 9-1 was pressed about 3 sentences back? No worries, as I whole heartedly embrace the next step along my journey, I merely want you to stop and think to yourself, "Is this where I want to be"? It seems a simple question, but one not asked nearly enough. If the answer comes back no, don't fret. You can't cut across 3 lanes of traffic just to get where you need to be, but keep your eyes peeled for that moment you can slide over to where you need to go. Sometimes you have to wait your turn and sometimes you ease in by the skin of your teeth, but you'll get there. Don't forget to signal.

Just real quick...

Hey, just so you cats know, if a word in a post is a different color, it's a hyperlink I created, not an ad. So check them out, I think you'll like them. Unless you have no soul, then you should contact Satan. He'll hook you up.

Yinz Jagoffs need tuh Give N'at!

Well hello huddled masses yearning to eat bees. That was some weekend huh? 48 hours sammiched between 5 day chunks of mediocrity. It's important to remember when working for Big Brother to give to those less fortunate. Even when Big Brother is giving you an Atomic Wedgie, you should take a moment to reflect and help when you can, especially when it earns you those oh so needed community service hours mandated by the state. Luckily, I work for a major financial institution that not only gives me the chance to help out my community, it demands it! Now for the sake of those who aren't able to accompany me to work on a day basis, I took a few shots of our latest attempt at public relations.

Help this kid fill her backpack. Don't be a douche, just help the kid out. Dad's gone, Mom's working 3 jobs and Grandma ain't getting around to well after that 3rd hip replacement, so just help the fuckin' kid out alright!?

Fine, I will help her out, Jesus, what's she need?

Glad you asked...

Ok, let's take a look see shall we?
Art supplies. Ok cool.
Construction paper(also falls under art supplies).
Chubby? Crayons and pencils (still fuckin art supplies in my book, unless the playground is more like a prison yard, then that shank costs 2 packs of smokes).
Jump rope (to alleviate the weight gained by using chubby crayons),
Chubby Bats and balls?!(will be provided by the Union of Sex Workers Local I69).
Backpacks. Backpacks? Is she filling her backpack with another backpack? That greedy bitch is going shoplifting.
Gender Neutral Clothing. Because individuality leads to being a whore.
Let's skip down to the last 4. Hand held mirrors. Large plastic tweezers. Eye droppers. Small plastic spray bottles. Childrens, meet your new teacher.

Class Dismissed!

BTW if you enjoy this blog let me know. If you don't, eat a sack of baby dicks.

Ain't that America?

Well today I was going to write about a poster at work but this takes precedent. Some low life, ass stain, douche nozzle stole fifty cd's, a Myrtle Beach souvenir and a bottle of water out of my car. I don't know when, I don't how, but they did. Lousy piece of shit. Let's break it down by item. CD's. 2 cd cases and a few new cd's less that a week old. The big ticket items in my book. Some of these cd's were rare singles or shit I made or more importantly, were made for me in college. Weak. The next was a Myrtle Beach "Hooters" girl souvenir I had in the car for a buddy. Delightfully Tacky, Yet Whoever Did it is a cum dumpster. Lastly a bottle of water. Not a huge loss mind you, but who the fuck steals a bottle of water? Are they thinking, "Shit, someone might catch me robbing this car and I'll have to run my ass off, better stay hydrated"?
Possible culprits.
1. A Drunken Hipster. After getting plowed on PBR (because it's fashionable, not because it's cheap which is why I drink it), stumbles upon my car, notices the door is unlocked (it's never unlocked btw) scopes some vintage Beck and says "fuck it".
2. Myself. In my heyday I was known to purloin a brick of cheese or 2 (sorry), but I don't think I would steal from myself. That hasn't stopped me from looking around the house.
3. A Gremlin. Some novice Mogwai owner accidentally feeds his pet after midnight, it becomes a gremlin and in the pursuit of mayhem steals my cd's and take the water to multiply.
I'm no detective, so that's the best I've got. Let me know if you stole my shit and if you give it back I will only kick you in the nuts.

Let's Get Motivated!

Well it's about time we stopped being so lethargic and finally get motivated here in the Burgh. I mean come on people, not only do we have the G-20 summit coming in September, a new casino and 3 drive-ins within a half hour from downtown, but today to get people in the spirit of not dicking around, we had Get Motivated! For those not in the know, Get Motivated is a business seminar being held around the country to, well, get people motivated? Sure, that may be easier said than done, but at these prices how can you not get excited? For only $19 dollars, you can rub elbows with other unemployed people while already rich people make money by spouting bullshit. Fun! Exciting! Economy! What's that you say? Sorry dick, but I have a job? Well you're in luck! Your employer can send not just you, but all the other annoying wangs you harass the one attractive person in office with, the whole crew! For just $19 dollars! $19 fucking dollars! That's right, you, Loud Talker (he goes by L.T.), Blackberry guy, Hawaiian shirt guy, Crocs and Popped Collar (P.C.) can all attend this Gala event! Granted, I'm sure it seems like a bargain, especially when you are all taking sick days you get paid for anyway and you don't have to do shit, but wait there's more! Who can you touch finger tips with as they walk by much like on professional wrestling? Lemme tell you, they have spared no expense. Ex- New York city mayor Rudy Giuliani , ex Steeler Terry Bradshaw and Gen. Colin Powell! Plus many additional bags of douche you didn't even know you should be blowing for their knowledge and wisdom!
What I really got motivated for was the commute home and trying to avoid thousands of walking cock burns try to drive back to the burbs. It can be startling to see that many bleached assholes at one time, so I had to play it careful. Luckily I made it back safe, but today is the day the Portuguese invade... but I'll save that for next time.

Well it's About Damn Time

Hey Yinz Guys! Yeah I actually started with that. It can only go down hill from here. I've decided to write down the odd little things I love/hate about my life. As you may have deduced from my genius blog name, I live in the city that never stops bitching, rocking, eating, smoking and doing construction on the God damned roads, Pittsburgh. Now each blog may not be specifically about the Steel City, but it's always going to be written by me and I'm from the land of fries on your sammich, so deal. Besides if you know me and my sense of humor you'll like it anyways. If you're new to my brain droppings then strap in or if you have one, strap on. By the way this will be in no way P.C., some days I want most people to swallow bleach. Other days I'm snuggling puppies and helping old ladies across the street. Of course, I may be leaning in close to get a feel of the ol' danglies slap against my knees, but nothing in this life is free. I hear in the next life though we do get a free Word a Day Calender and a lifetime supply of Turtle Wax. What you wax is up to you. I'm saving mine for your Dads' back. So just like when your mom walks in while you are waxing your nub and you have to stop, (or a least slow down), this ol' Blog is to be continued...