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Well I just got finished watching Disney Pixar's "Up". First and foremost I would like to say, John Lasseter and crew, you sneaky sons a bitches, you did it again. As the menu screen slowly burns into my TV, I sit here wiping my eyes, (equally from tears of laughter and from other squishy emotions), and ponder what makes a Pixar film so great. I don't want to say that their works are formulaic, but they do have a rhythm and rhyme that is distinctly Pixar.
Most are aware that there is no great story without great conflict. Hamlet, The Divine Comedy, Porky's Two: The Next Day, they all shared this ethos. Pixar has taken spinning tragedy into a wonderful plot to an art form though. Let's run down a quick list. Toy Story 1 & 2 (soon to be 3) all dealt with loss of some kind. Monster's Inc it was a loss of home for poor Boo. A Bug's life, well you have me there, maybe going through changes, metamorphosis and what not. I don't really remember that one well. Touching, but not to say so tragic that one feels the immediacy of the loss. Childhood playthings, the home and friends you grew up with, these are the things that we look back on with nostalgia and ennui. Moving on.
Finding Nemo. First five minutes of the movie a barracuda ate his freaking mother! Way to step it up Pixar! I will always have a fondness and dread of that movie, due partly to the excellent animation, partly to the story and characters but mostly to un-named amount of high quality LSD that was put in my mouth as a "welcome home" present many years ago. By the way and for the record, probably not the best way to work off jet lag. To give you, kind reader, an example of it's potency, we laughed, cried and shook in fear for what we thought was the entire movie. Turns out it was the DVD menu. We watched it for 40 minutes before we realized our folly. Once we hit play, boy did I think we were in for a treat. Ellen Degeneres' plucky Dori saying, "I need water, fill my trailer with water", looped on the menu screen made promises of mirth and merriment. Promises it did not keep. This was the scariest movie I had ever seen. Seriously, if you have a mental death wish try it for yourself. The only thing getting me through the entire family being wiped out, blood thirsty sharks and killer jellyfish was Crush. God bless that turtle and his So Cal laid back attitude.
The Incredibles was basically McCarthy era blacklisting and propaganda, Ratatouille was about pestilence, and WALL-E was about killing the environment. I believe Al Gore did an amazing job directing. Cars was just so Nascar people had a movie to take their kids to.
Which brings us to Up! I'll be honest and I bought this on a whim. I heard good things so I decided to drop $20 and see what all the fuss was about. Well! Curtain up! (Spoiler alert!) We start with a lovely opening montage for which Pixar is famous. The animation is crisp and beautiful and it captures my attention. The bouncy soundtrack takes me to by gone years of Talkie pictures and when people called having crabs, "A case of the Jitter Bugs". Then I start to feel where this montage is going and I immediately start to tell myself to man up. But no. It was comparable to when you have a clogged drain and you pray that the bowl doesn't overflow, but you know it's gonna happen anyway. Not to give it all away, but basically they encapsulate the phrase "Life is what happens when you're busy making plans". So I start wailing like a kid with a skinned knee. And they don't stop there, no we get hit with these emotional zingers about every 15 minutes. If you don't shed a tear or two, congratulations, you have no soul. The Dark Lord (not Voldemort [He dare speak the Dark Lord's name!]), will be up soon to hand over the keys. That being said, great film, rent it, buy it, whatever. I loved every minute of it and suggest you put the bottle of Jergins down and use those tissues for swabbing tears.
Until next time, like a male cheerleader after one too many wine coolers, I'm out.
Hi there. Just want to start off by saying it's been a while since I've posted anything. The two of you reading probably already know this. If you have never read my B.S. before, welcome and or condolences for thinking this was a scat porn site. It's been 2 months and a lot has happened.
There was the night my sister was supposed to get married and since the wedding was called off and people had non-refundable plane tickets we had a party. That party did wind down a bit around 11:30pm, luckily about 10 minutes later SWAT showed up, culminating in a 5 hour hostage situation next door and that house catching on fire. These things happen.
Or how about the night I had a Halloween party and random coworkers showed, totally blitzed, made out or bitched about other coworkers, then tried to invite my guests away with them. I have to apologize for the 18 year old kid being hit on by potential maternal surrogates, I'm sorry dude.
The following night I did end up going to a great Halloween party where I paid $20 to get in. I believe the cost was set by the amount of time you had to wait to move 13 feet. True.
Tomorrow is casual Friday at work. I think it's time we test the limits of this. Gentlemen, I put it to you to to let your sack hang out more and more throughout the day. Ladies, you need to lower your bra strap by a quarter inch every hour until it's totally hanging below your breasts. A little side boob never hurt anyone. Let's just see how casual shit can get.
I have more to say, but much like learning Chinese or anal sex, you need to ease your self into these things. Rushing in just leads to poorly ordered take out or fissures. Or both. Feel free to leave comments, turn your friends and neighbors onto the blog or inquire where to send donations.
Like a bag of Funyons in front of a stoner, I'm out.
It's 1am. I've officially been 29 for an hour. It doesn't feel much different from any other day, other than it being the designated date specifically assigned to take stock of one's life. How much responsibility does one place on themselves and leave the rest for the fates to decide? Are the places we are in our lives up to us or predestined? Do we gather points for the good things we do and get penalized for the bad? Is it all chance? Are these questions even relevant? Who's to say? We officially no one, so it might as well be me. I think we make choices along our path that lead us one way or the other, but when we come to an impasse most of the time we continue to keep on going, rather than turn around and get back on track. What to do, what to do. Am I depressed or just depressing? Are you, dear reader, getting ready to dial that last #1, as 9-1 was pressed about 3 sentences back? No worries, as I whole heartedly embrace the next step along my journey, I merely want you to stop and think to yourself, "Is this where I want to be"? It seems a simple question, but one not asked nearly enough. If the answer comes back no, don't fret. You can't cut across 3 lanes of traffic just to get where you need to be, but keep your eyes peeled for that moment you can slide over to where you need to go. Sometimes you have to wait your turn and sometimes you ease in by the skin of your teeth, but you'll get there. Don't forget to signal.
Hey, just so you cats know, if a word in a post is a different color, it's a hyperlink I created, not an ad. So check them out, I think you'll like them. Unless you have no soul, then you should contact Satan. He'll hook you up.
Well hello huddled masses yearning to eat bees. That was some weekend huh? 48 hours sammiched between 5 day chunks of mediocrity. It's important to remember when working for Big Brother to give to those less fortunate. Even when Big Brother is giving you an Atomic Wedgie, you should take a moment to reflect and help when you can, especially when it earns you those oh so needed community service hours mandated by the state. Luckily, I work for a major financial institution that not only gives me the chance to help out my community, it demands it! Now for the sake of those who aren't able to accompany me to work on a day basis, I took a few shots of our latest attempt at public relations. 
Help this kid fill her backpack. Don't be a douche, just help the kid out. Dad's gone, Mom's working 3 jobs and Grandma ain't getting around to well after that 3rd hip replacement, so just help the fuckin' kid out alright!?
Fine, I will help her out, Jesus, what's she need?
Glad you asked...
Ok, let's take a look see shall we?
Art supplies. Ok cool.
Construction paper(also falls under art supplies).
Chubby? Crayons and pencils (still fuckin art supplies in my book, unless the playground is more like a prison yard, then that shank costs 2 packs of smokes).
Jump rope (to alleviate the weight gained by using chubby crayons),
Chubby Bats and balls?!(will be provided by the Union of Sex Workers Local I69).
Backpacks. Backpacks? Is she filling her backpack with another backpack? That greedy bitch is going shoplifting.
Gender Neutral Clothing. Because individuality leads to being a whore.
Let's skip down to the last 4. Hand held mirrors. Large plastic tweezers. Eye droppers. Small plastic spray bottles. Childrens, meet your new teacher.
Class Dismissed!
BTW if you enjoy this blog let me know. If you don't, eat a sack of baby dicks.
Well today I was going to write about a poster at work but this takes precedent. Some low life, ass stain, douche nozzle stole fifty cd's, a Myrtle Beach souvenir and a bottle of water out of my car. I don't know when, I don't how, but they did. Lousy piece of shit. Let's break it down by item. CD's. 2 cd cases and a few new cd's less that a week old. The big ticket items in my book. Some of these cd's were rare singles or shit I made or more importantly, were made for me in college. Weak. The next was a Myrtle Beach "Hooters" girl souvenir I had in the car for a buddy. Delightfully Tacky, Yet Whoever Did it is a cum dumpster. Lastly a bottle of water. Not a huge loss mind you, but who the fuck steals a bottle of water? Are they thinking, "Shit, someone might catch me robbing this car and I'll have to run my ass off, better stay hydrated"? Possible culprits.
1. A Drunken Hipster. After getting plowed on PBR (because it's fashionable, not because it's cheap which is why I drink it), stumbles upon my car, notices the door is unlocked (
it's never unlocked btw) scopes some vintage Beck and says "fuck it".
2. Myself. In my heyday I was known to purloin a brick of cheese or 2 (sorry), but I don't think I would steal from myself. That hasn't stopped me from looking around the house.
3. A Gremlin. Some novice Mogwai owner accidentally feeds his pet after midnight, it becomes a gremlin and in the pursuit of mayhem steals my cd's and take the water to multiply.
I'm no detective, so that's the best I've got. Let me know if you stole my shit and if you give it back I will only kick you in the nuts.
Well it's about time we stopped being so lethargic and finally get motivated here in the Burgh. I mean come on people, not only do we have the G-20 summit coming in September, a new casino and 3 drive-ins within a half hour from downtown,
but today to get people in the spirit of not dicking around, we had Get Motivated! For those not in the know, Get Motivated is a business seminar being held around the country to, well, get people motivated? Sure, that may be easier said than done, but at these prices how can you not get excited? For only $19 dollars, you can rub elbows with other unemployed people while already rich people make money by spouting bullshit. Fun! Exciting! Economy! What's that you say? Sorry dick, but I have a job? Well you're in luck! Your employer can send not just you, but all the other annoying wangs you harass the one attractive person in office with, the whole crew! For just $19 dollars! $19 fucking dollars! That's right, you, Loud Talker (he goes by L.T.), Blackberry guy, Hawaiian shirt guy, Crocs and Popped Collar (P.C.) can all attend this Gala event! Granted, I'm sure it seems like a bargain, especially when you are all taking sick days you get paid for anyway and you don't have to do shit, but wait there's more! Who can you touch finger tips with as they walk by much like on professional wrestling? Lemme tell you, they have spared no expense. Ex- New York city mayor Rudy Giuliani ,
ex Steeler Terry Bradshaw and Gen. Colin Powell! Plus many additional bags of douche you didn't even know you should be blowing for their knowledge and wisdom!
What I really got motivated for was the commute home and trying to avoid thousands of walking cock burns try to drive back to the burbs. It can be startling to see that many bleached assholes at one time, so I had to play it careful. Luckily I made it back safe, but today is the day the Portuguese invade... but I'll save that for next time.
Hey Yinz Guys! Yeah I actually started with that. It can only go down hill from here. I've decided to write down the odd little things I love/hate about my life. As you may have deduced from my genius blog name, I live in the city that never stops bitching, rocking, eating, smoking and doing construction on the God damned roads, Pittsburgh. Now each blog may not be specifically about the Steel City, but it's always going to be written by me and I'm from the land of fries on your sammich, so deal. Besides if you know me and my sense of humor you'll like it anyways. If you're new to my brain droppings then strap in or if you have one, strap on. By the way this will be in no way P.C., some days I want most people to swallow bleach. Other days I'm snuggling puppies and helping old ladies across the street. Of course, I may be leaning in close to get a feel of the ol' danglies slap against my knees, but nothing in this life is free. I hear in the next life though we do get a free Word a Day Calender and a lifetime supply of Turtle Wax. What you wax is up to you. I'm saving mine for your Dads' back. So just like when your mom walks in while you are waxing your nub and you have to stop, (or a least slow down), this ol' Blog is to be continued...
